“Be
yourself; everyone else is already taken”.
Oscar Wilde
What is Identity?
identity has to do with not only how we see
ourselves, but also how others see us.
While we can choose who we want to be, our identities are also shaped by
the environmental context. Positive
identity is the foundation of positive self-esteem.
What does identity formation look like?
Fathers and mothers form the circle of
safety, security, and trust for infants and toddlers. When infants feel safe and secure, they
internalize the safe relationship – “I am good, I am secure, and I am worthy.”
(Self-embodied identity). As they grow
older, they further develop a positive understanding of self - “I belong to
this family, I am proud to be called sons or daughters of…, I have fun with my
cousins.” (Family identity); “I talk to
God” (Spiritual identity); “I am a girl
and he is a boy.” (Gender identity); “I
like Tom, Jane, and Sami, but I don’t like to play with JJ” (Social
identity); “I am Chinese” (Ethnic
identity); “I live in Hong Kong, and I
like to eat Charsiu” (Cultural identity);
“I am old enough to vote now in this election” (Civic identity); “I like helping people, and I can cook well.”
(Professional identity). These different
aspects of identities continue to grow through young adulthood.
How do we as fathers help to foster this
process?
1.
Create a strong sense of
belonging
Include them in
most family conversations because those daily talks will shape their minds and
ways of thinking, their values, and attitudes.
Let them feel love and acceptance in your interactions with the extended
families on both sides.
2.
Be present and talk through
their trials and errors
Encourage them to
engage in fantasy play, role play, and pretend play during their childhood
years. With children, pose curious
questions to guide and refrain from directing too much. As our daughters step into their teenage years,
they may try different fashion styles and imitate different idols to explore and adopt who they want to be. Give
them space.
3.
Pray for their ultimate
identity as a daughter of God
None of us can
be there, 24/7. Only God, who loves them
so very much, will guide their hearts and minds deeply. Pray not only for them but also for ourselves
as fathers as we learn to see our girls through God’s eyes. Lord, help us learn to accept, befriend,
care, and cherish them while they are still under our care.
Let’s encourage
our daughters and ourselves in this:
“by not letting others
define us, but let others refine us.”
