Identity Formation I

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken”.   Oscar Wilde

What is Identity?

identity has to do with not only how we see ourselves, but also how others see us.  While we can choose who we want to be, our identities are also shaped by the environmental context.  Positive identity is the foundation of positive self-esteem.

What does identity formation look like?

Fathers and mothers form the circle of safety, security, and trust for infants and toddlers.  When infants feel safe and secure, they internalize the safe relationship – “I am good, I am secure, and I am worthy.” (Self-embodied identity).  As they grow older, they further develop a positive understanding of self - “I belong to this family, I am proud to be called sons or daughters of…, I have fun with my cousins.” (Family identity);  “I talk to God” (Spiritual identity);  “I am a girl and he is a boy.” (Gender identity);  “I like Tom, Jane, and Sami, but I don’t like to play with JJ” (Social identity);  “I am Chinese” (Ethnic identity);  “I live in Hong Kong, and I like to eat Charsiu” (Cultural identity);  “I am old enough to vote now in this election” (Civic identity);  “I like helping people, and I can cook well.” (Professional identity).  These different aspects of identities continue to grow through young adulthood. 

How do we as fathers help to foster this process?

1.     Create a strong sense of belonging

Include them in most family conversations because those daily talks will shape their minds and ways of thinking, their values, and attitudes.  Let them feel love and acceptance in your interactions with the extended families on both sides. 

2.     Be present and talk through their trials and errors

Encourage them to engage in fantasy play, role play, and pretend play during their childhood years.   With children, pose curious questions to guide and refrain from directing too much. As our daughters step into their teenage years, they may try different fashion styles and imitate different idols to explore and adopt who they want to be.  Give them space. 

3.     Pray for their ultimate identity as a daughter of God

None of us can be there, 24/7.  Only God, who loves them so very much, will guide their hearts and minds deeply.  Pray not only for them but also for ourselves as fathers as we learn to see our girls through God’s eyes.  Lord, help us learn to accept, befriend, care, and cherish them while they are still under our care.

Let’s encourage our daughters and ourselves in this:

“by not letting others define us, but let others refine us.”