1. Familiarize with the ways that sudden changes or crisis affect a family
Each member responds differently. Younger children may experience nightmares, throwing tantrums, and become more clingy than before. School-age children may become more competitive, aggressive, and uncooperative. Teenagers may exhibit behavioral problems, refuse to go to school, and feeling depressed. Some adults may become very busy organizing things, expressing frustration, and others may withdraw and complain a lot. Most people will be able to process what’d happened after months. Some may require extra support from professionals.
2. Provide safety and security
Members of the family, especially children, will need a familiar environment, comfort food, blankets, stuff animals, favorite books, music, calming activities, and familiar people to feel safe. Teenagers may need their friends and familiar adults to provide a sense of safety. Familiar adults may give pertinent information, comforting words, and physical hugs to create a secure bond in a time of abrupt change.
3. Create time to listen and understand
Children and teenagers alike need to express the complexity of their emotions. Some emotions may be so intense that they find it surprising and fearful. An adult who listens well will reflect a sense of normality and acceptance of these maturing experiences. Ask open-ended questions. Refrain from teaching. Listen to the emotions beneath the spoken words. Affirm and appreciate.
4. Respect silence, space, and choice
It’s ok any members do not want to talk. Some kids may not know how to express themselves, so observe their drawings or play. This is how they express their emotions and thoughts. They may need some space, and we offer them choices. This will enhance their sense of control in times of losing control. Crisis robs a deep sense of safety and control. Allow them time to play and get distracted. Create time to quiet down and pray with them.
5. Reduce exposure to bad news
Limit the amount of bad news for younger children. Observe how they process the information as you share it with children. For teenagers, they may want the full picture to satisfy their sense of control. Talk straight with teens as they may be straightforward in their opinions and emotions. Allow questions, reflections, emotions, and strong opinions to be expressed. Always provide reassurance of safety, security, and a strong sense of presence.
6. Create a circle of love
Develop a group of people that the family can call upon to get support. People who are compassionate, able to listen well, and non-judgemental. Friends of your children, their parents, relatives, neighbors, colleagues, long-time friends, religious leaders, professionals are all important people to form this circle of love. They may be able to walk through the frustrating and difficult times with us in showing care and support.
7. Familiarize with the process of normal grief
Individuals grieve differently. After the initial reactions to crisis and things become normal again, family members may experience a sense of emptiness and sadness. The initial reactions of numbing, busyness, and shock are over. Children and teenagers may experience anger and frustration. They act aggressive, or some may withdraw. Others feel guilt and remorse, struggling with moving on. It’s so important to have trusted adults listening and walking alongside the journey of bereavement. The heavy emotions will subside and may resurface during the first or second anniversary, depending on the loss's strength. Grieve bravely and talk to someone. It’s ok to be upset, angry, feel deeply, cry, and feel frustrated. It’s normal, and it takes time to heal. Time only helps those who grieve. Time stands still for those who hide their feelings. The repressed feelings will become a time bomb one day.
8. Be prepared to handle fears, anger, guilt, worries, and sadness
Children may need to sleep with adults when in fears. They require special attention in expressing anger. Teens may experience survival guilt if their peers died in an accident, and they survive. Or they may feel guilty for not doing enough to change the situation that had happened. Children tend to have nightmares and express their worries through tears and clingy behaviors. Sad feelings need to be expressed and heard. Adults who listen empathically will access the sadness, anger, guilt, worries, and fears.
9. Adjust daily routine
Make allowance for our children and teens in their daily schedules to have extra time to get out of bed, talking when their emotions overwhelm, take breaks when they struggle to focus. Spend time to play more. Listen more, eat, and pray together.
10. Monitor progress & take care of yourself
Be aware of your family members’ emotional state daily. Identify their needs beneath their words. Note their eating habits, exercise amount, energy level, quantity, and quality of sleep. When in doubt, always consult a professional. Watch out for your own capacity and the amount of rest. You are just as important as anyone else in the family. Take great care of your mind, body, and spirit.
