Friends' Issues I

Nature of Friendships: Influences of Family Experiences

Our children’s friendships seem to be influenced by family experiences.  Research (Frietag et al. 1996) indicated that kids who had experienced secure attachments as babies were more likely to have close friendships at age 10.  Another study (Leiberman et al. 1999) found that these older kids aged 9-12 reported having better quality friendships were also counting on their parents for help when needed.  In an interesting University of Minnesota study (Simpson et al. 2007), researchers followed 78 infants all the way through their mid-20s.  They found that individuals at 12 months were rated securely-attached also seemed to be more socially competent.  And these socially competent kids were more likely to have secure friendships at 16 years of age. 

Besides early childhood bonding and secure relationships, studies show that family talk and conversations may also develop social competencies.  Kids are encouraged to talk about feelings, thoughts, doubts, intentions, and fantasies may develop better “mind-reading” skills, that is, the ability to understand others and what they are thinking and feeling about.  In short, our children of all age groups will benefit from good social-emotional skills. 

As fathers, we may practice and coach our daughters in these social-emotional skills:

1.     Name the emotions

Recognize and label emotions.

2.     Be respectful of physical space

Some are touchy, and some are not.  Some need more space than others.

3.     Be aware of nonverbal communications

Watch for facial expressions, body gestures, and postures.

4.     Practice politeness

“Give and take” dialogues; speak up nicely.

5.     Listen with empathy

Make eye contact, nod appropriately, and respond.

6.     How to say “No.”

Know the boundaries and able to express firmly and gently.

7.     How to negotiate

Present one’s view confidently and yield for a greater goal.

8.     How to protect ourselves

Know when and how to protect your own privacy and space.

9.     Discuss the nature of friendship
Appreciate the intensity and changeability of childhood friendship