Perfectionism I

“Perfectionism” is not the same as “Excellence.”    

In fact, striving for excellence, when understood as striving for your best, is healthy and motivating.  When we strive to excel or to do our best, we stretch ourselves.  We become disappointed when we fail, but we don’t shame ourselves.  “Perfectionism,” on the other hand, is damaging.  Perfectionism is a defense against feelings of inadequacy, being blamed, judged, and shamed.   “Perfectionism” does not accept our limitations and wears us down.   “Perfectionism” kills creativity, intimacy, and vitality.  Ultimately, “Perfectionism” is full of anxiety, fear, anger, and shame. “Perfectionism” alienates us from ourselves, others, and God.

“Perfectionism” exists within us in varying degrees of intensity.  It grew as an attitude within us as we experience shameful rejections and judgmental criticisms.  We learn to perform and to push ourselves to fulfill others’ expectations.  We begin to neglect our own needs, our dreams, and our limitations.  We wear ourselves out by pushing, exhausting, and overextending our limited resources of time, health, and emotional reserves.   Unchecked “Perfectionism” will become destructive to our intimate relationships.  It produces addictive behaviors to fend off inner anxiety and turmoil. 

“Perfectionism” can be transformed as we practice by being gentle with ourselves and by being real to others.  However, to experience this relief, we need to feel accepted in the innermost core of who we are.

Daddy can practice accepting our daughters by first accepting ourselves.  We need to learn to accept our successes and failings, dreams and losses, and strengths and weaknesses.  When we model gentleness and authenticity, our daughters can then truly experience what it is like to be gentle to themselves and what it is like to be real to others. 

One of the most recent resources on this subject matter is a book entitled “The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are” by author Dr. Brene Brown.  You can also find Dr. Brown’s talks on Youtube.  Please take your time in reading this wonderful book, and we will explore the process of change in part II of this subject.

Check out Dr. Brene Brown on "Perfectionism,"  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7yYFHyvweE