Facing Disappointment II (our own…)

In facing our own disappointments, as parents are the key to unlocking our daughters’ disappointment.

Children pick up their emotional cues from their parents.  When parents are upset, our daughters may take it personally.  Their first response might be: “My parents are not pleased with me.”  This is partly true that we are disappointed at THEM, and the other partial reality is our disappointment over their inability to fit OUR ideal.   The disappointment is related to our loss of who we think they should become.  If we do not express our own disappointment, they will never know that it has nothing to do with them.  In turn, our daughter will struggle in vain to fit into our expectations and get lost in our opinions.  They essentially blame themselves for not able to please us or make us happy.  Some may even become anxious or depressed over it.

Disappointments inform parents that our dreams and expectations may need changes.  We may have neglected our daughters’ personalities, their aspirations, and their initiatives.  We have over time build up unrealistic goals and laid out over-demanding pathways of achievements.   Disappointment is a friend to help us examine which part is our own loss of ideal and which part is our daughters’ responsibility to change.

Disappointment may create an opportunity for dialogue.  “I am disappointed.  I wonder if I am too harsh on you or whether you are doing your best?”  We are not to shy away from disappointment but to let disappointments tell a deeper story of life.  “Daddy is disappointed with our relationship.  I would like to talk more because I treasure being close to you.  I wonder what I can change to improve our relationship...”

Disappointment is a lighter version of grief.  Somehow there is a loss of something important, there is a pain we do not particularly enjoy, and there is a sense of anger we would like to express.  Grief is a precious experience of maturity.  Grief is about ending the old and beginning something new.  Hopefully, we may experience disappointment as an end to old assumptions and unrealistic expectations and a beginning of deeper understanding and new exploration.

“Yes, give thanks for "all things" for, as it has been well said, "Our disappointments are but God’s appointments."

 A. W. Pink

“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” 

Martin Luther King, Jr.