Identity Formation I

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken”.   Oscar Wilde

What is Identity?

identity has to do with not only how we see ourselves, but also how others see us.  While we can choose who we want to be, our identities are also shaped by the environmental context.  Positive identity is the foundation of positive self-esteem.

What does identity formation look like?

Fathers and mothers form the circle of safety, security, and trust for infants and toddlers.  When infants feel safe and secure, they internalize the safe relationship – “I am good, I am secure, and I am worthy.” (Self-embodied identity).  As they grow older, they further develop a positive understanding of self - “I belong to this family, I am proud to be called sons or daughters of…, I have fun with my cousins.” (Family identity);  “I talk to God” (Spiritual identity);  “I am a girl and he is a boy.” (Gender identity);  “I like Tom, Jane, and Sami, but I don’t like to play with JJ” (Social identity);  “I am Chinese” (Ethnic identity);  “I live in Hong Kong, and I like to eat Charsiu” (Cultural identity);  “I am old enough to vote now in this election” (Civic identity);  “I like helping people, and I can cook well.” (Professional identity).  These different aspects of identities continue to grow through young adulthood. 

How do we as fathers help to foster this process?

1.     Create a strong sense of belonging

Include them in most family conversations because those daily talks will shape their minds and ways of thinking, their values, and attitudes.  Let them feel love and acceptance in your interactions with the extended families on both sides. 

2.     Be present and talk through their trials and errors

Encourage them to engage in fantasy play, role play, and pretend play during their childhood years.   With children, pose curious questions to guide and refrain from directing too much. As our daughters step into their teenage years, they may try different fashion styles and imitate different idols to explore and adopt who they want to be.  Give them space. 

3.     Pray for their ultimate identity as a daughter of God

None of us can be there, 24/7.  Only God, who loves them so very much, will guide their hearts and minds deeply.  Pray not only for them but also for ourselves as fathers as we learn to see our girls through God’s eyes.  Lord, help us learn to accept, befriend, care, and cherish them while they are still under our care.

Let’s encourage our daughters and ourselves in this:

“by not letting others define us, but let others refine us.”

Friends' Issues II (Befriending Self)

Befriending Self

Besides making good friends at school and in the community, we need to help our children to learn to be friends with themselves.  This is often a neglected aspect of life.  Befriending oneself is a deepening journey where one discovers more about oneself and learns to accept one's flaws with grace and gentleness.

Without an adequate friendship with self, individuals may fight within themselves or look outwardly for affirmation and acceptance.  When we don't know who we are, we tend to give in to peer pressures or base our identities on achievements and accolades.

Befriending oneself will lead us to know our own strengths, limits, dreams, and hopes.  Befriending oneself will lead us to gather all the gifts and experiences for a healthier living and for the greater glory of God.

Fathers can create experiences to help our daughters to be a good friend to themselves by:

1. Experiencing what is good
As infants, our daughters are fed and comforted by us.  We play games, laugh together, and enjoy the interactions.  This leaves all of us with good memories.  As a result, she feels wonderful and may say to herself, "I feel good, I have good thoughts, and I am good."  By experiencing "self" as good, our growing young ladies continue to experience daddy's affirmations that they are beautiful, graceful, and virtuous.

2. Communicating what is good
As they grow up, they are bound to face disappointments and losses.  We are there to comfort and remind them of their goodness in the eyes of God and ours.  Active and empathic listening will help our daughters to experience our acceptance and support.  Just by being fully present, she can say in an affirmative tone, "My dad thinks that I am good, so good that he is fully there for me."

3. Living out what is good
When our daughters are back on their feet, they are comforted and energized to move on.  She may say to herself, "I know I am good.  I don't have to believe in lies.  I don't have to doubt myself or fight myself.  I know how to comfort, compliment, and encourage myself.  I am my daddy's precious daughter."

May this anonymous quote encourages us as fathers:
"Be your daughter's, first love.  Open doors for her, pull her seat out, listen, talk, and treat her with your full presence and utmost respect...   By setting expectations on how a man should treat a lady, and she'll never settle for anything less."

Friends' Issues I

Nature of Friendships: Influences of Family Experiences

Our children’s friendships seem to be influenced by family experiences.  Research (Frietag et al. 1996) indicated that kids who had experienced secure attachments as babies were more likely to have close friendships at age 10.  Another study (Leiberman et al. 1999) found that these older kids aged 9-12 reported having better quality friendships were also counting on their parents for help when needed.  In an interesting University of Minnesota study (Simpson et al. 2007), researchers followed 78 infants all the way through their mid-20s.  They found that individuals at 12 months were rated securely-attached also seemed to be more socially competent.  And these socially competent kids were more likely to have secure friendships at 16 years of age. 

Besides early childhood bonding and secure relationships, studies show that family talk and conversations may also develop social competencies.  Kids are encouraged to talk about feelings, thoughts, doubts, intentions, and fantasies may develop better “mind-reading” skills, that is, the ability to understand others and what they are thinking and feeling about.  In short, our children of all age groups will benefit from good social-emotional skills. 

As fathers, we may practice and coach our daughters in these social-emotional skills:

1.     Name the emotions

Recognize and label emotions.

2.     Be respectful of physical space

Some are touchy, and some are not.  Some need more space than others.

3.     Be aware of nonverbal communications

Watch for facial expressions, body gestures, and postures.

4.     Practice politeness

“Give and take” dialogues; speak up nicely.

5.     Listen with empathy

Make eye contact, nod appropriately, and respond.

6.     How to say “No.”

Know the boundaries and able to express firmly and gently.

7.     How to negotiate

Present one’s view confidently and yield for a greater goal.

8.     How to protect ourselves

Know when and how to protect your own privacy and space.

9.     Discuss the nature of friendship
Appreciate the intensity and changeability of childhood friendship

How to build relationship and influence II (Boundaries)

Boundaries:  When and How to Say YES and NO

One of the most important concepts in developing an intimate relationship with our daughters is the practice of boundary setting: when to say YES and how to say NO.  Without emotional boundaries, we may disregard or even suppress our feelings, which may erupt in the not so distant future.  Without proper time boundaries, we may rob each other of quality interactions.  Relationships will wither like a dying plant.  Setting proper boundaries helps nurture our inner emotions and provides relational energy.  If you are interested in finding out how well you are setting boundaries, please click on the following link:    http://www.boundariesbooks.com/boundaries-quiz/.

Setting good boundaries with our daughters also depends on developing good boundaries with our wives and ourselves. 

Boundaries with daughter(s)

Emotional boundaries: Imagine your daughter yelling at you for reminding her of the schedule.  You then calmly say, “You are feeling upset because you feel that I am nagging you.”  You then wait for her to calm down before you address her yelling or her attitude if needed.  By not yelling back, you have just practiced setting boundaries in saying YES to her emotional expression and NO to how she is expressing it.  You can be a dad who is accepting and yet sets limits.

Time boundaries:  Imagine your daughter having a celebratory event, but you have to travel for work.  You explain to her your regrets and disappointments.  You make it up by rescheduling a celebration with her.  You also make sure that you will not miss other important memory-making experiences for both of you.  By saying sorry to her and taking action to protect the memory-making boundary, you are essentially saying YES to carving out time with her and saying NO to any activities that might infringe on your important dates with her.

Boundaries with wife

We cannot escape this important subject because, as a team, our wives are our greatest allies.  We need to learn to acknowledge our wives’ emotional needs and not just try to solve problems for them. When we choose to spend time with them and not just when it is convenient to do so, we are saying YES to building our teamwork and saying NO to forces that break us apart.

Boundaries with ourselves

We as men need to carve out time for ourselves to exercise, to de-stress, and to reflect on daily interactions with family, work, and our inner life.  If we set this personal boundary to process our physical, emotional, and spiritual needs, we will have more patience and be better able to respond to the needs of our daughters. 

Further resources on this important subject are found below:

http://www.boundariesbooks.com/boundaries-books/boundaries-with-kids/

http://www.boundariesbooks.com/boundaries-books/boundaries-with-teens/

http://www.boundariesbooks.com/boundaries-books/boundaries-in-marriage/

http://www.boundariesbooks.com/boundaries-books/boundaries/