Perfectionism I

“Perfectionism” is not the same as “Excellence.”    

In fact, striving for excellence, when understood as striving for your best, is healthy and motivating.  When we strive to excel or to do our best, we stretch ourselves.  We become disappointed when we fail, but we don’t shame ourselves.  “Perfectionism,” on the other hand, is damaging.  Perfectionism is a defense against feelings of inadequacy, being blamed, judged, and shamed.   “Perfectionism” does not accept our limitations and wears us down.   “Perfectionism” kills creativity, intimacy, and vitality.  Ultimately, “Perfectionism” is full of anxiety, fear, anger, and shame. “Perfectionism” alienates us from ourselves, others, and God.

“Perfectionism” exists within us in varying degrees of intensity.  It grew as an attitude within us as we experience shameful rejections and judgmental criticisms.  We learn to perform and to push ourselves to fulfill others’ expectations.  We begin to neglect our own needs, our dreams, and our limitations.  We wear ourselves out by pushing, exhausting, and overextending our limited resources of time, health, and emotional reserves.   Unchecked “Perfectionism” will become destructive to our intimate relationships.  It produces addictive behaviors to fend off inner anxiety and turmoil. 

“Perfectionism” can be transformed as we practice by being gentle with ourselves and by being real to others.  However, to experience this relief, we need to feel accepted in the innermost core of who we are.

Daddy can practice accepting our daughters by first accepting ourselves.  We need to learn to accept our successes and failings, dreams and losses, and strengths and weaknesses.  When we model gentleness and authenticity, our daughters can then truly experience what it is like to be gentle to themselves and what it is like to be real to others. 

One of the most recent resources on this subject matter is a book entitled “The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are” by author Dr. Brene Brown.  You can also find Dr. Brown’s talks on Youtube.  Please take your time in reading this wonderful book, and we will explore the process of change in part II of this subject.

Check out Dr. Brene Brown on "Perfectionism,"  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7yYFHyvweE

Identity Formation II

Identity Crisis

Identity Crisis is a state of confusion about who I am regarding self and the greater community.  Most teenagers navigate through defining their identity without any hiccups.  Some may not experience any confusion at all. 

However, Identity Crisis is still a common phenomenon in our fast-paced world.  Different value systems and role models are vying for our young people’s attention in this pluralistic society.  Young people will incorporate preferred aspects of values and examples into their own identities.  They will test out and experiment before committing to some sort of identity.  For young people growing up in a secure and trusting environment, the identity formation is consistent inside out. 

There are four observable outcomes and processes of an identity crisis:

1.    Teenagers who have explored enough and have committed to a certain identity for the time being. 

These teenagers seem to be content and happy with their choices.  They seem adjusted in making small explorations and well balanced in developing significant commitments.  Parents can celebrate with them each step of the way.

2.    Teenagers who have not explored much and remain noncommittal to any identity

These youngsters may keep shifting in who they want to be and are easily influenced by peers and others.  Parents can encourage their children to explore more and try different achievable and manageable things for developing a sense of accomplishment.

3.    Teenagers who have been exploring but have not committed to any particular identity

This group may continue to be in a state of not fitting the norm, not committing to any groups or professions.  They have their ideals and preferences but not ready to commit yet.  They may be quite independent and may seem to be rebellious.  Parents may listen more and understand where their dreams and aspirations lie.

4.    Teenagers who have not been exploring but are highly committed to a certain role and identity. 

These teenagers may appear very compliant, following the footsteps of their predecessors.  Since they have not explored much about their preferences early on, a midlife crisis may appear later in life and become a time to discover themselves.  While growing up now, parents may give them more room to explore and encourage them to voice their own opinions.  This is important for them to develop their own identity, voices, preferences, and directions in life. 

In short, the ABCs in fostering stronger identities among our daughters:

Affirming their exploration:  We can give them room to try, to test, and to experiment.  We guide, cheer, and support them through the process.

Believing in their choices:  We can see the good out of their choices and trust that the natural consequences will take its course of providing feedback to learn the limitations and realities of life.

Celebrating their commitments:  Enjoy their baked goods; pick up and send off as they volunteer in community projects; Give small gifts and praises.

Identity Formation I

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken”.   Oscar Wilde

What is Identity?

identity has to do with not only how we see ourselves, but also how others see us.  While we can choose who we want to be, our identities are also shaped by the environmental context.  Positive identity is the foundation of positive self-esteem.

What does identity formation look like?

Fathers and mothers form the circle of safety, security, and trust for infants and toddlers.  When infants feel safe and secure, they internalize the safe relationship – “I am good, I am secure, and I am worthy.” (Self-embodied identity).  As they grow older, they further develop a positive understanding of self - “I belong to this family, I am proud to be called sons or daughters of…, I have fun with my cousins.” (Family identity);  “I talk to God” (Spiritual identity);  “I am a girl and he is a boy.” (Gender identity);  “I like Tom, Jane, and Sami, but I don’t like to play with JJ” (Social identity);  “I am Chinese” (Ethnic identity);  “I live in Hong Kong, and I like to eat Charsiu” (Cultural identity);  “I am old enough to vote now in this election” (Civic identity);  “I like helping people, and I can cook well.” (Professional identity).  These different aspects of identities continue to grow through young adulthood. 

How do we as fathers help to foster this process?

1.     Create a strong sense of belonging

Include them in most family conversations because those daily talks will shape their minds and ways of thinking, their values, and attitudes.  Let them feel love and acceptance in your interactions with the extended families on both sides. 

2.     Be present and talk through their trials and errors

Encourage them to engage in fantasy play, role play, and pretend play during their childhood years.   With children, pose curious questions to guide and refrain from directing too much. As our daughters step into their teenage years, they may try different fashion styles and imitate different idols to explore and adopt who they want to be.  Give them space. 

3.     Pray for their ultimate identity as a daughter of God

None of us can be there, 24/7.  Only God, who loves them so very much, will guide their hearts and minds deeply.  Pray not only for them but also for ourselves as fathers as we learn to see our girls through God’s eyes.  Lord, help us learn to accept, befriend, care, and cherish them while they are still under our care.

Let’s encourage our daughters and ourselves in this:

“by not letting others define us, but let others refine us.”