Facing Disappointment I

How does your daughter handle disappointments? When she scores low marks on a test that she works so hard for, how does she respond?  When she does not make it into the school choir or the sports team, how does she handle herself?  Learning to deal with disappointments is one of the most important life lessons. 

Disappointments can trigger many different emotional responses, such as frustrations, sadness, and anger.  Such emotional responses are not only healthy but essential.  We learn to label, express, and tolerate our feelings.  We learn that disappointments are not that scary because we will be okay, and we can grow stronger as a result. 

Sometimes we may ignore our emotions because our families are not comfortable with emotions.   As adults, we are so used to just think and ignore our emotional cues.  Children and adolescents are generally more ready to share and express their feelings.  But sometimes, children and adolescents feel pressured to keep a socially acceptable façade and learn to behave properly in certain cultural settings. They suppress their emotions short term and may even repress it long term.

Creating an appropriate response to our children’s disappointment is critical to their normal development.  Some parents may jump in and rescue their daughters from experiencing negative emotions.  Some parents may try to shut down their daughters’ emotional responses because they want their daughters to tough it out.  Optimal disappointment will help our children learn about their own limitations, practice resiliency, and ask for social and emotional support. 

Perfectionism II (Gentleness and Authenticity)

Gentleness and Authenticity heal perfectionism.

Gentleness and Authenticity heal perfectionism.

Gentleness is defined as “strength under control.”  Gentleness can also be understood as meekness and humility.  Gentle fathers do not force their way or demand with a loud voice.  This inner ability to harness power is a mark of humility.  Gentle fathers accept their daughters’ weaknesses.  They build their daughters up in a kind and caring manner. 

Where does this capacity to be gentle come from?  Gentleness starts from within. Gentle fathers are people who have learned to be gentle with themselves.  Because they accept their humanness and inadequacies, they can identify and accept others’ limitations.  They can slow down, reflect, and take care of their bodies, minds, and souls.  Gentle spirit produces gentle behaviors.  A gentle attitude feeds gentle relationships.   

Authenticity is about being real and consistent inside-out.  When fathers openly talk about their joys and struggles, their daughters tend to be open too.  Authentic fathers model healthy emotional expression when they share how they tackle challenges and pray through uncertain life journeys.  Authentic fathers can say sorry and accept criticisms.  They do not have to prove themselves.  They can be real and not fear rejection.

Daughters who experience gentle and authentic parenting will know how to accept, encourage and love themselves and others.  We can bless our daughters with the gifts of gentleness and authenticity by practicing being gentle and authentic with ourselves first.   

Check out Dr. Brene Brown on "The Gifts of Imperfection"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ck6atQ6xppc

Perfectionism I

“Perfectionism” is not the same as “Excellence.”    

In fact, striving for excellence, when understood as striving for your best, is healthy and motivating.  When we strive to excel or to do our best, we stretch ourselves.  We become disappointed when we fail, but we don’t shame ourselves.  “Perfectionism,” on the other hand, is damaging.  Perfectionism is a defense against feelings of inadequacy, being blamed, judged, and shamed.   “Perfectionism” does not accept our limitations and wears us down.   “Perfectionism” kills creativity, intimacy, and vitality.  Ultimately, “Perfectionism” is full of anxiety, fear, anger, and shame. “Perfectionism” alienates us from ourselves, others, and God.

“Perfectionism” exists within us in varying degrees of intensity.  It grew as an attitude within us as we experience shameful rejections and judgmental criticisms.  We learn to perform and to push ourselves to fulfill others’ expectations.  We begin to neglect our own needs, our dreams, and our limitations.  We wear ourselves out by pushing, exhausting, and overextending our limited resources of time, health, and emotional reserves.   Unchecked “Perfectionism” will become destructive to our intimate relationships.  It produces addictive behaviors to fend off inner anxiety and turmoil. 

“Perfectionism” can be transformed as we practice by being gentle with ourselves and by being real to others.  However, to experience this relief, we need to feel accepted in the innermost core of who we are.

Daddy can practice accepting our daughters by first accepting ourselves.  We need to learn to accept our successes and failings, dreams and losses, and strengths and weaknesses.  When we model gentleness and authenticity, our daughters can then truly experience what it is like to be gentle to themselves and what it is like to be real to others. 

One of the most recent resources on this subject matter is a book entitled “The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are” by author Dr. Brene Brown.  You can also find Dr. Brown’s talks on Youtube.  Please take your time in reading this wonderful book, and we will explore the process of change in part II of this subject.

Check out Dr. Brene Brown on "Perfectionism,"  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7yYFHyvweE

Identity Formation II

Identity Crisis

Identity Crisis is a state of confusion about who I am regarding self and the greater community.  Most teenagers navigate through defining their identity without any hiccups.  Some may not experience any confusion at all. 

However, Identity Crisis is still a common phenomenon in our fast-paced world.  Different value systems and role models are vying for our young people’s attention in this pluralistic society.  Young people will incorporate preferred aspects of values and examples into their own identities.  They will test out and experiment before committing to some sort of identity.  For young people growing up in a secure and trusting environment, the identity formation is consistent inside out. 

There are four observable outcomes and processes of an identity crisis:

1.    Teenagers who have explored enough and have committed to a certain identity for the time being. 

These teenagers seem to be content and happy with their choices.  They seem adjusted in making small explorations and well balanced in developing significant commitments.  Parents can celebrate with them each step of the way.

2.    Teenagers who have not explored much and remain noncommittal to any identity

These youngsters may keep shifting in who they want to be and are easily influenced by peers and others.  Parents can encourage their children to explore more and try different achievable and manageable things for developing a sense of accomplishment.

3.    Teenagers who have been exploring but have not committed to any particular identity

This group may continue to be in a state of not fitting the norm, not committing to any groups or professions.  They have their ideals and preferences but not ready to commit yet.  They may be quite independent and may seem to be rebellious.  Parents may listen more and understand where their dreams and aspirations lie.

4.    Teenagers who have not been exploring but are highly committed to a certain role and identity. 

These teenagers may appear very compliant, following the footsteps of their predecessors.  Since they have not explored much about their preferences early on, a midlife crisis may appear later in life and become a time to discover themselves.  While growing up now, parents may give them more room to explore and encourage them to voice their own opinions.  This is important for them to develop their own identity, voices, preferences, and directions in life. 

In short, the ABCs in fostering stronger identities among our daughters:

Affirming their exploration:  We can give them room to try, to test, and to experiment.  We guide, cheer, and support them through the process.

Believing in their choices:  We can see the good out of their choices and trust that the natural consequences will take its course of providing feedback to learn the limitations and realities of life.

Celebrating their commitments:  Enjoy their baked goods; pick up and send off as they volunteer in community projects; Give small gifts and praises.