Handling Difficult Emotions II

Fear

Fear has a protective function.  It may help us stay away from danger, slow down, and get more help and resources before proceeding.  However, when we ignore our fear, it may grow into a monster.  In tackling fear, we need to take small steps.  Small steps help us gain confidence.  Small steps help us gain control.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDjwfFmXwfE

Rejection

Feeling rejected is gut-wrenching.  We are social; we want to fit in and belong.  When feeling rejected, we need to learn to love ourselves, to take good care of ourselves, to get involved in physical activities, and slowly get back into a community that accepts.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v37KOsj6SG4

Grief

Grief is a normal response to losing someone dear or something familiar.  We attached ourselves to nurturing a relationship and meaningful things.  Feeling numb, lost, sad, angry, anxious, confused, disoriented, and maybe at times, deep longing is part of the experience of grief.  Grieving people need a place to be sad, experience what it means to lose, reorganize themselves, and find meaning in the experience.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gsYL4PC0hyk

Moving On

Before one can move on to something greater, one needs to embrace something smaller and realistic.  We need to face the pain of goodbyes, making room for hellos, express heavy emotions, experience positive emotions with good friends, forgive, envision the future, find time and space to heal and take actions.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIFm4IDJj7Q

Handling Difficult Emotions I

Emotions become more complex and intense as we step into our teenage years.  Emotions mature through learning and nurturing.  Children learn about emotions through observations and practice.  They hear the sounds and tone of conversations.  They become an interpreter of words and behaviors.  They feel the intensity and impact of others’ presence.  They put words to their feelings and form an understanding of what they sense. 

If the family is open about emotions, our daughters will be able to express it.  If the family is conversant about emotions, our daughters will identify and learn of their complexity.  If the family accepts all kinds of emotions, our daughters will be able to handle all emotions, no matter how difficult and intense they are.  All emotions are useful, functional, helpful, and informative for living a full and fruitful life.

Embarrassment

Embarrassment is a healthy response to an awkward situation.

Embarrassment will turn into shame if we ignore or suppress it.

Teenagers may feel embarrassed when their weakness is exposed in public.  Hiding or running away may alleviate temporary discomfort.  Eventually, facing the embarrassment or shame in a non-judgmental and safe environment help to unlock the self-imposed exile.  We do not need to live behind a mask or pretense.  We can feel vulnerable and face others openly.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MW1OWcb39M

Jealousy

Jealousy comes from a place of insecurity.  It comes from inside us, and it’s about us and not so much about the other person.  We can help our daughters to first acknowledge the common emotion inside all of us.  Then, we allow her to express her thoughts and feelings about what happened.  Third, we speak love, acceptance, and encouraging words to them when appropriate.  Eventually, the hold of jealousy is loosened by self-affirmation and gentleness.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1rcqwRgVvvw

Anger

Anger comes when we feel a loss of control when our boundaries are violated or when we feel frustrated over and over.  It is important to find out why we are upset and angry.  This helps to manage our anger at the root of the matter.  Often, when we are angry, we do not think, and it makes things worse.  An effective way is to immediately practice deep breathing and create a physical and emotional space to calm down and begin to think.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsVq5R_F6RA

The next blog will explore fear, rejection, grief and moving on in life.

Facing Disappointment II (our own…)

In facing our own disappointments, as parents are the key to unlocking our daughters’ disappointment.

Children pick up their emotional cues from their parents.  When parents are upset, our daughters may take it personally.  Their first response might be: “My parents are not pleased with me.”  This is partly true that we are disappointed at THEM, and the other partial reality is our disappointment over their inability to fit OUR ideal.   The disappointment is related to our loss of who we think they should become.  If we do not express our own disappointment, they will never know that it has nothing to do with them.  In turn, our daughter will struggle in vain to fit into our expectations and get lost in our opinions.  They essentially blame themselves for not able to please us or make us happy.  Some may even become anxious or depressed over it.

Disappointments inform parents that our dreams and expectations may need changes.  We may have neglected our daughters’ personalities, their aspirations, and their initiatives.  We have over time build up unrealistic goals and laid out over-demanding pathways of achievements.   Disappointment is a friend to help us examine which part is our own loss of ideal and which part is our daughters’ responsibility to change.

Disappointment may create an opportunity for dialogue.  “I am disappointed.  I wonder if I am too harsh on you or whether you are doing your best?”  We are not to shy away from disappointment but to let disappointments tell a deeper story of life.  “Daddy is disappointed with our relationship.  I would like to talk more because I treasure being close to you.  I wonder what I can change to improve our relationship...”

Disappointment is a lighter version of grief.  Somehow there is a loss of something important, there is a pain we do not particularly enjoy, and there is a sense of anger we would like to express.  Grief is a precious experience of maturity.  Grief is about ending the old and beginning something new.  Hopefully, we may experience disappointment as an end to old assumptions and unrealistic expectations and a beginning of deeper understanding and new exploration.

“Yes, give thanks for "all things" for, as it has been well said, "Our disappointments are but God’s appointments."

 A. W. Pink

“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” 

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Facing Disappointment I

How does your daughter handle disappointments? When she scores low marks on a test that she works so hard for, how does she respond?  When she does not make it into the school choir or the sports team, how does she handle herself?  Learning to deal with disappointments is one of the most important life lessons. 

Disappointments can trigger many different emotional responses, such as frustrations, sadness, and anger.  Such emotional responses are not only healthy but essential.  We learn to label, express, and tolerate our feelings.  We learn that disappointments are not that scary because we will be okay, and we can grow stronger as a result. 

Sometimes we may ignore our emotions because our families are not comfortable with emotions.   As adults, we are so used to just think and ignore our emotional cues.  Children and adolescents are generally more ready to share and express their feelings.  But sometimes, children and adolescents feel pressured to keep a socially acceptable façade and learn to behave properly in certain cultural settings. They suppress their emotions short term and may even repress it long term.

Creating an appropriate response to our children’s disappointment is critical to their normal development.  Some parents may jump in and rescue their daughters from experiencing negative emotions.  Some parents may try to shut down their daughters’ emotional responses because they want their daughters to tough it out.  Optimal disappointment will help our children learn about their own limitations, practice resiliency, and ask for social and emotional support.